How should I feel?

[celtprincess13]

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up a LONG time ago (five years), but have remained good friends. For me, there has been no one serious since then, although there is someone I WISH were serious.
Anyway, my ex has a new girlfriend. And I found out this weekend from another friend of ours that she is pregnant. He was, apparently, afraid to tell me about it himself because he was afraid I would be either angry or upset. Why he thought that, I'm not certain. I mean, if we were still together and he cheated on me and knocked someone up, that's one thing, but why on earth would I be angry now? We broke up because he has issues, most prominent of which is that he is an alcoholic and is not willing to be otherwise. So whether I still love him is a moot point, as I'm not willing to live that life. I was for a while, then I wised up.
The weird thing is that it has made me a bit melancholy. I guess because we were together for so long. And of course, the biological clock IS ticking, here. So I kinda had this 'but that's supposed to be my baby' feeling, which is ridiculous! Because again, love him or no, he's nowhere near responsible enough to be a parent. And his family is, well, screwed-up might be the best term. I wouldn't want to have to expose my child to that, if not absolutely necessary.
So basically, I'm just sounding off here. Yes, I want kids. No, I don't want them with him. No, I'm not mad at him (or her for that matter). I guess I'm just a little conflicted.
Ah well.

Comments

[wiccarowan.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's weird the way you feel at all. My ex is one of my best friends now, and I certainly would NEVER contemplate renewing our relationship, but it still made me feel very odd - disappointed? jealous? - when he moved in with his current girlfriend (who is now also one of my best friends). Even though I didn't want him any more, I was envious of what they had together, and a bit angry that he had never wanted that commitment with me. I guess it's a bit "dog in the manger" and I didn't begrudge him his happiness at all.

It sounds like you still have some unresolved feelings for this guy, which doesn't help. It stinks when an ex seems to be making more of a success of life with someone else who isn't you, no matter what your feelings.

Does this make sense? Does this help?

[celtprincess13.livejournal.com]

Yep, it makes sense. It does help, to know that I'm not the only person who's ever felt like this. I can see in the post that it seems like I have unresolved feelings, but not really. I'll always "love" him, because we were together for so long. But I've definately moved on and am patiently waiting for Mr. Right (and just where is he, exactly, I'd like to know!)
Truthfully, I think that the melancholy is more for the fact that the bio clock is tick, tick, ticking and I'm starting to get worried that I'll never have kids.